As I reflect back on the past 20 weeks, the changes, the hormones, the firsts, a lot has transpired. Everyday I'm more amazed at how God has created the female body, what it can take, how it is stretched and moulded to become the growing place of a new life. I've already experienced a plethora of new pains, sensations, and symptoms that I've never known up until this point. I've experienced such lows as shortness of breath, light-headedness, incredible back pain, and a constant achy, stretchy and sometimes sharp pain in the abdomen as my body grows to accommodate this new life. Amazingly enough, knowing that our child is in there makes experiencing all those symptoms more bearable and completely worth it. It's not all bad, however, as I also have experienced such highs as feeling our little Latte move, kick and punch. That right there causes all other discomforts to fade into the background and diminish greatly.
I've embraced my belly, rubbing it almost constantly, loving it and being completely at ease with it. I confess, maybe even perhaps milking it a bit and allowing others to help me more often because of it. :) But as I approach the half-way mark, there are other thoughts stirring, provoking me to look inwards more often. I wonder, do I love our baby enough? Am I bonding properly? Am I giving our baby enough attention, singing enough, talking to him/her enough? I feel detached still from the reality that I have a baby growing inside of me, and thus feel guilty for not embracing it more. Is this how every woman feels or am I the only one? I fear getting too caught up in what our little Latte needs for their arrival then actually thinking about the fact that little Latte will be arriving very soon. Am I doing what I need to do to ensure that I will be able to deliver and mother this child the way he/she deserve?
Part of me feels completely at peace at the prospect of going through labour and delivery, then this other part of me creeps up, uninvited, and I'm wondering what I've gotten myself into and will I really be able to handle it? My desire is for a natural birth, but I know that this is not always possible. Every circumstance is as unique as we are. Will I be able to take the hours of pain if all is progressing normally or succumb to the invitation of drugs? What will my personal threshold be? All these questions are such that cannot be answered until the time arrives, making them no less daunting each time they surface. However, then God's peace overpowers and I know that with Christ I can do all things….including child birth, however that pans out. The constant battle of wills rages within me, and I feel like a mere observer, waiting to see which side will prevail.
Thus here I wait, as patiently as I can, embracing each day as it comes. I know that as already 20 weeks have flown by, the next 18-22 weeks will be equally swift. Every time I hold a baby or even observe one from a distance at a store or in church, I'm struck with the amazing reality that soon I'll be holding my own beautiful baby. It brings tears to the eyes just thinking about it. And thus I go, to love on our little one, relax, and rest in the knowledge that God has all circumstances surrounding me, my body, our baby, and this pregnancy, protected in His hands.
Till next time
